Damsels in Success

Believe It - Claiming Your Dreams

Despite the fact that I was in my mid-twenties by the time I started writing regularly, and despite the fact that I was almost thirty by the time I had my first official writing job, I think I’ve always known I wanted to be a writer. I loved writing anything and everything. And I loved reading—always thinking about how the story was formed, what the writer was imagining as she created a new world or learning as she reported on a recent event.

Unfortunately, despite my interest and aptitude for writing, I never believed that I was cut out to be a writer. When I started writing regularly, even publishing a few pieces in non-paying publications, I still rarely called myself a writer. I was a behavior therapist, a special education coordinator, a student, but never a writer. Eventually, I was hired to write professionally, but I continued to hesitate every time someone asked me, “What do you do?”

Over the last year or so, something has changed. During a recent walk in the park I met a woman that lives in my neighborhood and we walked together for several minutes, talking along the way. Only after the conversation was long over and I was home by myself did I realize that when she asked the Big Question, I answered, “I’m a writer.” There was no hesitation, no qualification, no embarrassment whatsoever. A simple answer: I am a writer. When, I wondered, had I begun to believe those words so completely?

Though I can’t prove it scientifically, I’d bet that the moment I began claiming that title as my own, the moment I began believing in my dream of becoming a full-time freelance writer and a novelist, was the moment I started seeing those dreams come true. When I recognized myself as a writer, I started looking for opportunities to write, and those opportunities always showed themselves. I’m not a full-time freelancer yet, and I’m still working on that manuscript, but I’m well on my way. That moment of bold proclamation in the park was just another step along the path I can now clearly see for myself. As soon as I started believing I was a writer, I became a writer. Even before I got my first freelance paycheck.

What is it that you’re hesitating to believe for yourself? What goals are you striving for? Whatever it is you want to be or do, start talking about it like it is already yours and see what a difference that belief makes in your ability get there. Try that new title on for size. Practice giving that acceptance speech. Take that freelance job. Believe in your dreams and begin to live them—even if it’s just in your imagination for now—and watch where they take you. The adventure is just beginning.

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Visit Ami's personal blog or her professional website to learn more about her. You can also check out her new writing blog, Write Out Loud, a place for writers looking to free the stories inside them.

Left Behind in a Layoff: Getting Ready for What's Next

The pink slips have been handed out, the severance checks cashed, and the farewell drinks consumed. Everyone has offered their condolences to those who were let go, yet you’re still here, reeling in your cubicle, wondering if maybe you’re the one who really deserves the well wishes, sympathetic words, and free rounds of strong drinks.

As a four-time layoff survivor (and two-time victim), I’ve experienced all the panic, depression, fear, and anxiety that comes with staying on the job when others have been let go. There are some things you can do to ease the stress; they’re fairly common sense courses of action, but when you’re in the grips of anxiety and worried that your next paycheck may be your last, sometimes it’s hard to think clearly. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned after surviving a few layoffs, it’s that more are usually not far behind, and being ready when the next ax falls is crucial—just in case.

1. Get Up-to-Date on Your Doctor Appointments?. You can elect to continue your healthcare coverage through COBRA, but the sticker shock of COBRA prices alone may kill you long before any health-related issue. Thanks to COBRA’s high cost, many people opt to go with an emergency-only plan when they’re unemployed, which depending on the plan, means that procedures like teeth cleaning and mole removal may be out. Scheduling your annual doctor visits, updating prescriptions, and getting lab work done while you’re still covered gives you roughly a year before you have to make all the rounds again—hopefully plenty of time to find a new job and new healthcare coverage.

If you’re certain that unemployment is looming around the corner, it may be a smart time to drain your flexible spending account. Most plans allow you to use the money for things like contact lenses, braces, and over-the-counter medicines, which includes cold and allergy medicines and aspirin (which you’ll undoubtedly need after a layoff for either stress-related headaches or layoff party hangovers). Take advantage while you can—if you don’t use it, you lose it, and that might cause a queasiness that no flex plan medicine can cure.

2. Retrieve Personal Files and Contacts from Your Work Computer. ?Layoffs or no layoffs, it never hurts to do a periodic backup of all the unfinished screenplays, random party pics, Shins downloads, tax papers, and other documents that have found their way onto your work hard drive. If you’re fortunate enough to work for a company who will give you limited access to your computer and some time to collect your things after the unsavory notice of your forced termination, good for you. But the time allotted to you may be rushed, or simply not enough to get everything you need. Many employers don’t give employees the luxury of access back onto your computer, and relying on someone else to retrieve your documents once you’re gone can prove challenging. Email yourself important files, burn them onto CD, and make sure to get all your professional and personal contacts out of your work email. It’s also smart to periodically clear your cache—just to avoid the embarrassment of having managers and colleagues learn about your dailypuppy.com or Perez Hilton addiction.

3. Create a Layoff-Ready Budget?. There’s nothing like the pending doom of potential unemployment to help you reevaluate your savings plan. Now’s the time to batten down the hatches on your spending to ready yourself for any cutbacks you’ll need to make in the event of another round of company cuts. Take some time to write down every single expense you incur in a given month, being completely honest with yourself about how much you spend. Once it’s all on paper, you’ll probably find some easy places you could spend less money, like bringing your lunch to work a few days a week instead of eating out, or opting for a movie on Friday nights instead of the happy hour that turns into five delirious hours of overpriced drinks and appetizers.

This is also an ideal time to pay a visit to your financial advisor if you have one, and to potentially get an advisor (if you can afford it) if you don’t have one. He or she can help you assess your current financial strategy and whether or not you should make any changes, and can also help put together a plan for accessing more money should a layoff occur.

4. Update Your Resume and Start Networking. A previous manager once told me that she always updated her resume within the first week of starting a new job. Her rule—always be ready for anything. Most of us aren’t that industrious, though, so if you haven’t updated your resume with your latest position—or if you haven’t revisited your resume in a while—now is clearly the time to do it. Once you’re done, give it a test run and send it to friends, family, and perhaps a few trusted business contacts to see if they get a good sense of what you do, what you’re looking for, and what you’ve achieved after reading it.
Now is also a good time to start networking like crazy. Beef up your LinkedIn profile; change your contact settings to include “career opportunities” and “getting back in touch” as things you’re interested in, and perhaps ask a manager or colleague to write a recommendation for you. Make it a goal to reach out to a certain number of friends, old coworkers, managers, clients, or other business associates each day. Perhaps contact some recruiters and begin perusing job postings online. You ultimately may not want or need to find another job, but it never hurts to get the momentum swinging in your favor sooner rather than later in the event that you do.

5. Be Good to Yourself. ?The phrase “survival guilt” is often associated with traumatic events like airplane crashes, earthquakes, and twenty-car pileups. But believe it or not, survival guilt is a very real phenomenon for those who remain after a layoff, and the range of emotions people experience isn’t that different from other traumatic events. Remaining employees often feel guilty for not being laid off, sadness for the coworkers and friends they’ll miss, and sometimes even anger for the increased workload they may experience now that their team has been reduced.

Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is one of the best ways to cope with survivor guilt, which sounds counterintuitive to logic given that most people feel compelled to increase their work hours in an effort to secure their jobs in the event of another cut. But arriving and leaving at a decent hour each day allows more time to enjoy the things that really nourish our souls and ultimately help us perform at a higher level and make us better, more productive employees—dinner with family or friends, an invigorating workout, going to a concert, pursuing a hobby or taking a class, or just relaxing with a book and a glass of wine.
Besides, working until midnight every night will eventually cause burnout, and ultimately doesn’t guarantee that you won’t be part of a layoff anyway since most cutbacks are about decreasing expenditure, not about performance. As the Donald says, “It’s not personal, it’s business.” You can bet your last dollar from your last paycheck that your employer will exercise that logic when adding names to the layoff list, so you should keep it in mind too.

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Provided by Rebecca Brown for DivineCaroline.com, a website where career-savvy women like you can read and contribute stories, reviews, and forums. Please visit our vibrant community soon.

Why Women Attack: The Affirmation Effect

I can’t take it anymore. If I see another angry, hateful, or myopic tirade about why some other woman’s decision about [insert personal life choice here] is better, I am going to permanently retreat into a little, teeny-tiny hole that bars all except my children, husband, and select friends from entrance. I am exhausted by the Mommy Wars, the Chick Fights, the Cult of Perfection… the incivility of everyone’s righteousness. What is going on? And make it stop, please.

In economics, researchers have discovered the “endowment effect” – once you own something, you place a higher value on it than you did when you acquired it. What I see in today’s dialogue about life choices is the “affirmation effect.” Women (though by no means is this gender specific) tend to value our decisions more after we’ve made them. When we’re in the midst of decision making, the world appears in shades of gray. We investigate options and pursue alternatives that work for our life. After we’ve made our choice, the world flips to black and white, where anyone who didn’t make the choice we made is wrong. We affirm our choices to make ourselves feel that we’ve made the right decision, even if this means belittling, judging, or attacking other women’s choices.

In my experience, this “affirmation effect” is most pronounced with mothers. We desperately need to affirm our choices, to feel that we made the right choice for our kids. Partially because so much is at stake – raising children well is an incredible undertaking, and we see what’s at stake every morning at the breakfast table. And partially because motherhood is complex – there is rarely one right answer (it’s like multi-variable calculus!) and the evidence of success is often many years in the making. That’s why we solicit ideas from other mothers at the playground and intensely observe other women’s decisions. Being insecure about our parenting choices is natural and often healthy, but permitting that insecurity to fuel attacks on women who make different decisions is unenlightened, destructive, and downright juvenile.

For instance, I just had my second child. I nursed but I couldn’t produce enough milk to sustain him. (Yes, I tried everything short of prescription medication.) I went online to investigate my options. What I encountered was website after website with women yelling at each other about their breastfeeding choices. I don’t doubt there are benefits to breastfeeding, but my choice about whether and how to breastfeed doesn’t take place in a vacuum and it isn’t the defining decision of my motherhood. I love my kids and make the healthiest choice I can within the context of my family’s very real and reasonable constraints. Making thoughtful decisions specific to my family is the best kind of parenting. Even if other mothers might make a different decision.

The same goes for my decision to be a working mother. One of my dearest friends pronounced that she thought any mother with young kids who worked was selfish. The aggressiveness and narrowness of her words confused me, particularly since she’s not alone in her view that working motherhood is a sin. Staying home is clearly the right decision for many mothers but my situation and preferences are different. I spent years getting advanced degrees and making my way in the private sector, and I thrive on that kind of intellectual stimulation and professional challenge. It is who I am, part of my husband’s attraction to me, and a value we wish to impart on our daughter and son. Were my kids not happy, healthy, and well-balanced, I’d reevaluate. But as it stands I’m a better mommy because I work and that makes everyone better off in my family. I recognize not all families work this way.

The affirmation effect is also at play in the professional space. Women have different styles of conducting themselves – from highlighting their ‘feminine’ sides to overstating their ‘masculine’ attributes (see the endless debates on Hillary Clinton, Martha Stewart, Carly Fiorina, Zoe Cruz, to name a few). And women have different desires about the nature, slope, and timing of their career trajectories. Some take off fast and furious in their 20s, while other women stabilize different areas of their lives first. Demanding that women conduct themselves in just one, certain manner is out-dated and defeats the purpose. To each her own.

I’m not saying that everything’s relative; I find that an intellectually weak and morally toxic answer. There are wrong choices: when it comes to child rearing, big ones like abuse and neglect, and little ones like putting Coca Cola in a one-year-old’s sippy cup or failing to provide any behavioral boundaries for your toddler or teenager. But decisions about how to advance your career and whether to have children, be a working mother, put your kids in daycare, or any other of the litany of life's choices aren’t really black and white. What works for one woman may not work for another. And attacking each other (even if only in rhetoric) for reasonable but different choices is polluting our work spaces, our community, and our families.

Going forward, my motto at the playground and office is: Keep your affirmation effect in check. Please, please take your insecurity elsewhere, because it serves no purpose in my life. I’m doing the best I can, for me and my family. And I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, too.

Does Wanting It All Make Me a Bad Mom and Wife?

A reader sent me this question: "I have a cherished baby and a husband who is willing to support me. Women in my new mothers group pressure me to abandon my established small business any time I complain about exhaustion. They say I’m selling myself and my family short trying to do it all, but I love my work. –Torn"

My answer?

Around the end of the third postpartum month, most women start feeling like themselves again; many describe it as a sensation of resurfacing after feeling as if they’d been underwater. Don’t panic; don’t make impulsive decisions. As you ease into the transition to motherhood, be gentle with yourself and trust what you want, not what others pressure you to do or to think.

Unapologetically following your career dreams is the surest way to be the happiest individual, the best mother, partner, and community member. Staying true to your ambition allows you to live your best life. But society holds a double standard: ambitious men are go-getters; ambitious women are the b-word. I’ve worked with thousands of woman and each possesses the same fear: if she goes wholeheartedly after her dream, she'll be seen—or she'll regard herself—as selfish, bitchy, a bad wife, or a bad mother. It's exactly this fear of ambition that has forced women to leave our dreams and our great talents by the roadside, rendering us half of what we should be in every area of life. If we buy into the message that we should put our ambitious dreams at the bottom of our priorities pile, to be nurtured only after everyone else's needs have been attended to, our turn never comes. Our joie de vivre dries up.

Find a new, supportive mothers’ group that espouses this message: You can and should honor your ambition in the face of social sanctions—without guilt and without sacrificing the rest of your life. Give yourself permission to make the choices you deem appropriate, without second-guessing yourself. Check in with yourself daily, tuning in to what you want. Trust your own timetable, listen to your body and heart, to your baby, and partner with your husband to keep yourself in the game while taking care of your and your family’s needs.

You deserve to love your work, to be as ambitious as you wish, to earn your worth, and to find personal and professional fulfillment.

Giving a Great Speech

I’m one of those people lucky enough to be comfortable speaking in public. I always have been, so I don’t have any useful tips on how to overcome that fear. I can tell you this much - there is nothing quite like the joy of giving a great speech. I don't manage to be great every time, but I have started to figure out what makes a speech great.

Five way to be a great public speaker:

1. Don’t use notes. Notes are for wimps. Take the time to memorize your major points, and then fill in as you go. You'll be a hundred times more engaging. If you do have to use notes, put them on note cards or paper. Never ever read from an open laptop.

2. Take your content seriously. Don’t rush through it, or imply it’s boring. If the topic has been assigned to you and you have no choice, go over your material until you can find the interesting parts of it. Everything is interesting if you look at it right. Find the interesting angle, and share it.

3. Move around. Don’t hide behind a podium or sit behind a desk. Stand up in front of the group, and then move around as you talk. If you can, ask your audience questions and pick people to answer them.

4. Don’t use a Powerpoint presentation. Powerpoint is the devil and it leads to shoddy thinking. Presenting without Powerpoint is unfortunately unusual now, so make sure there is no blank screen behind or next to you drawing everyone’s eyes.

5. This last one is situational, and therefore a little tricky. If you’re giving a public talk, with media coverage, avoid using large hand gestures. It’s very easy for a photographer to get a picture of you doing something ridiculous-looking as you gesture. If there are no photographers, or if they are friendly, use a lot of motion as you speak, to giveyour audience something dynamic to focus on.

6 Steps to Becoming a Better Manager

Typically, no one is trained to be a manager. We all have to learn how to manage people on the fly, after we are promoted into a management position. It is helpful, when learning to be a good supervisor, to keep in mind the things that past supervisors have done that you liked and those that you have not liked. You can use these experiences to guide your decisions. Here are six steps to follow to make sure that you become a leader that others will remember in a positive light.

1. Tame yourself – You have to begin by understanding your personality and taming it. If you are too quiet, you will need to work on becoming more outgoing and decisive. If you are too decisive, to the point where you scare people, you will need to work on toning yourself down. You want to become a thoughtful, considerate leader who knows where they are going.

2. Have a goal – If you don’t know where you are going, you will never arrive, and no one will be able to follow you. Your goal can be as simple as “providing every customer with the best service” or “no injuries, no deaths on the job” or “make a profit.”

3. Have a “clear, simple message” – You must be able to convey your goal in a sound bite. People can understand and retain clear, simple messages. You have to be able to repeat the message at meetings, in newsletters and in general conversations. If your people know the message, they will be able to follow.

4. Look and act like a leader – People have a much easier time following someone who looks as they should. Your clothes should be clean and pressed. Your shoes should be polished. You should walk with confidence.

5. Be trustworthy – People won’t follow you if they don’t trust you. You must be ethical and honest at all times. People trust people who are clear about what they are doing. People don’t trust people who say one thing at a meeting, and then say or do something different outside of the meeting.

6. Care about your people – You can’t supervise people if you don’t like them. You shouldn’t become best friends with your staff, but you should know them and know what their problems are. Because you care, you should attend their weddings, and the funerals of their close family members. Because you are their leader, you should not attend more personal functions, such as their birthday parties. You need to keep yourself concerned with your staff, but not intimately involved with them. If you are really not a “people person,” consider another, non-managerial position in your organization.

Is it your project? Make sure you own the pen.

I recently had a coaching session with a woman who is the owner of a very high profile project. The project has been plagued with delays and issues and on some days she gets more help then she could ever possibly use. In fact, it seems dificult to sort through all the voices. I shared the story of the pen with her. I thought I'd share it with you as well.

"The rule of the pen: The one who owns the pen owns the meeting." – Ancient adage

The most important thing is that if you own the project/program, make sure you step up and really "own" it. On many occasions, I've seen presentations where the program owner does not present the material. Does this mean that you don't take input from key partners, implementers, stakeholders? No, absolutely not. You must, however, know your program at a detailed level. You are not just a coordinator… you are an owner. On those all important presentations, inputs are sent to you. You roll up the final presentation, you send it out to the stakeholders, YOU deliver the message. As a great team leader, make sure that, as appropriate, team members are recognized for their work during a presentation and present the areas they are responsible for. But YOU own the pen.

"The reciprocal rule of the pen: Don't accept or take a pen that doesn't belong to you." - Ancient adage

Have you ever had someone ask you to present something that you don't own? Perhaps even something that you aren't entirely on board with? The reciprocal rule says that you do not take a pen that doesn't belong to you. It's not yours. You don't like it when someone takes YOUR pen, so don't take someone else's. In the worst case scenario, you become the scapegoat for a poorly created strategy.

Keeping the pen can be challenging, especially in a scenario where there are major issues (i.e. schedule slipping, technical issues, etc.). Everyone seems to want to jump in and "help." They keep stopping by and taking the pen off your desk. You must maintain your cool. You must continue to own communications in all forms. You'll find yourself chasing down and squelching rumors. You'll be telling people who are panicking about potential schedule slips that unless they hear it from you, it isn't so. You'll be showing up at meetings they "forgot to invite you" to. Have a well thought out communications strategy. Make sure you know who your key management support is. Don't wait for a meeting… communicate by walking around, on IM, in email, on the phone. And if for some reason the pen leaves your possession? Go and get it… and take a bottle of whiteout with you… just in case.

Don't Forward That Email to Me!

We live in a world where speed is key. Everything has to be bigger, better, faster and so on. Time is money, so no one can afford to wait for anything. Unfortunately this development has enabled e-mail to become ridiculously over-used(abused?).

We all know that e-mail forwards can get you in trouble. Everyone has heard about the person who forwarded a nasty e-mail about their total drip of a boss to all their "close" friends only to have that person forward it to another person , who forwarded it yet again until that cute little note lands right in the boss's in-box and the next thing you know there is a cute little pink slip in yours.

Overly dramatic? I don't think so. Here is a list of some of the worst spam I get forwarded to me:

1. Political rants - I for one and really sick of getting other's people propaganda. Yes this is an important time to be involved in the political process, but hey, as a fully functioning adult, I can make my own decisions.

2. Scary Chain emails - You know the kind I mean - forward this to 10 million friends in the next thirty seconds or a house will fall on your sister! (Sorry Margaret...) I do not have the time or the desire to sift through these barely veiled threats to my eternal happiness. They fill up my in-box, carry viruses and are just plain annoying!

3. Religious requests - I know this might strike a nerve, but hey, I don't need religious instruction from random folks. I am pretty comfortable with my mortality and can make my own decisions about my eternal resting location. Don't send me forwarded prayer requests for little Susie in Guatemala who has X disease that can only be cured with my thoughts and prayers. If you really want to make change, volunteer, vote and be an advocate for a legitimate cause. Don't send me spam.

4. Ridiculous or inappropriate YouTube Videos - I love a good laugh as much as the next person, but most of the videos I receive are downright stupid. Also, most of these videos have been forwarded numerous times so that you may never know who the original sender was.

**A note about email privacy: Please check your send to list. If you put your contacts in the CC line then everyone can see every address you send it to. Before you hit that forward key stop and think, do you really want your boss, or significant other or even your grandmother to receive something you thought was funny but may be entirely inappropriate for them? Do you want them to see your entire contact list? If you must forward be discreet - use the BCC function!

Lessons from the Networking Trenches

I realized this month, during a conversation with one of my closest friends, that I’ve unknowingly surrounded myself with people who compliment me. I’ve been lucky enough to meet these women (and men, too) at school, various jobs, and through friends and family. Without even trying, I’ve created a network of professionals who have been willing to mentor me and support me where I’m lacking in skills, motivation or knowledge. They share lessons learned, trade services, recommend me to their acquaintances, and generally support me, and I return the favors. It’s a symbiotic relationship for all. It’s not just about what I need, and that’s the networking key.

It turns out that the purpose and importance of networking is not solely to make connections that you can cash in on later. Instead, networking is about meeting new people, supporting others and allowing them to support you when you need it. The goal of networking should always be about bringing people together to meet needs and get things done. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned about networking the right way.

Be aware, be kind and don’t be shy. Everywhere you go, there’s an opportunity to meet someone new. Smile at strangers, introduce yourself to that woman next to you on the train, and be kind to everyone. You never know who you might meet, and how you might be able to support each other. What do you have to lose? The least you’ll get out of it is a nice conversation to pass the commute time.

Think of others. Networking isn’t all about you. Instead of always wondering how a person can meet your needs, or how you can sell your services, consider how you might be able to help the people you know. Who might benefit from meeting this person? Or do you know someone who might be able to meet this person’s need?

Tell everyone you know about your business. It may sound simple, but if people don’t know what you do, they’ll never know if they need your services. That woman on the train might know someone who could benefit from your product. Your sister’s boss might be looking for someone who does what you do. Remind people often that you have services to offer and they’ll be much more likely to hire you.

Carry your business cards everywhere and hand them out! Again, this seems like a no-brainer, but you wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been caught empty-handed in a situation where a business card might have sealed the deal. Even if the person you meet isn’t interested in what you have to offer right now, when she’s digging through her wallet a month from now and finds your business card, you might be exactly who she needs.

Networking has clearly never been my forte. I’ve only recently become comfortable striking up conversations with complete strangers, and I still sometimes forget to mention “what I do” when I meet someone new. But I’ve learned that networking doesn’t have to be a chore. Meeting new people is fun and eventually, handing over your card when you shake hands or say good-bye will become second nature. Think of networking as weaving a net that connects people of all different walks of life and ensures they’ll have what they need when they need it, or that they’ll at least know who to call to find it.

Visit Ami's personal blog or her professional website to learn more about her. You can also check out her new writing blog, Write Out Loud, a place for writers looking to free the stories inside them.

Clear the Clutter in Your Life

Look around you, at work and home. Do you feel overjoyed or annoyed? Your environment affects your moods, attitudes, emotions, and energy level. What things sap your energy? You need to figure out ways to reduce, eliminate, or change your environment, so that it lifts you up rather than brings you down. These tidbits might help.

1. Clear the clutter. This requires effort and can be time-consuming, but the real reason people dread clearing clutter is emotional attachment -- and because you no idea how to organize what you keep. Focus first on the areas of the home that are most important to your health and vitality, especially the bedroom.

2. Thin out the incoming stream. We all have a constant stream of mail and new possessions coming into our lives. If you don't develop a regular habit of thinning it out as it walks through the door, it'll pile up and zap your energy in no time.

3. Create space with the right layout and equipment. If you get buried in clutter simply because you don't know where to put things, learn to make creative use of the space you have -- including vertical space.

4. Learn to live more simply. Instead of piling on new possessions until you just have to many, stop buying and take a hard look at what you have. Don't equate material possessions with wealth or happiness, or -- worse yet -- self worth.

5. Get rid of it. If you don't learn how to get rid of things, you'll be overwhelmed with your possessions. Unworn clothing, unwanted gifts, ancient paperwork -- get rid of it. If you haven't used it in two years, ditch it.

6. Accentuate the positive. Separate the trash from the treasure. You don't need to keep unwanted gifts simply because they're gifts. And don't be afraid to get rid of things that are dragging you down with emotional baggage: there's a reason women burn photographs of their old boyfriends.

7. Keep your office desk organized. No, a clean desk isn't the sign of a simple mind: it's the sign of an efficient, energetic mind! The more space there is, the less crowded your energy is. File rather than pile, and gather up those sticky notes!

8. Make a list of the home improvement projects you want to accomplish. Nagging, incomplete projects not only create clutter, they also drag your mood down because another thing on your to-do list is staring you in the face. Dispatch routine tasks as soon as possible, and work to get the others off your calendar.

Clearing away clutter may seem like too much work, but you need to learn how to do it effectively for your own benefit. Once you cut down on the clutter in your life, you can move on to more productive levels of emotion and energy that put you ahead of the game.

-- Visit Laura's site, www.TheProductivityPro.com.

Social Gaffes and Cocktail Party Blunders

I recently attended a formal charity fundraiser in NYC and found it to be a most enlightening experience. During the cocktail hour, I was standing with my husband and a number of other attorneys making small talk. At one point, the young man to my right, a first or second year attorney, began telling my husband a story that involved some legal terms and subject matter (titillating cocktail party chatter). He turned and started explaining the words and concepts he was using to me as if I would not have understood the conversation. Luckily for me, I AM AN ATTORNEY and I both understood the conversation and found it quite boring!

I respect that this man was trying to include me in the conversation rather than pretending I was not there, but his assumption that I would not understand the topic still amazes me and makes me wonder why he would think such a thing. Is it because I am a woman? Is it because I am the wife of a successful attorney? Is it simply because I look young? Is it because he somehow knew that I work in a different industry other than law? I must say that this same thing happens very frequently when I meet people who know my husband professionally -- they often speak to me as if I know nothing about the law and they feel they need to explain things to me in cocktail party conversation. Each time it happens, I see my husband cringe and try to interrupt the speaker to inform them before they go too far that I, too, am an attorney so that they won't condescend and get me all fired up.

Later that particular evening, I found myself seated at a table with a number of my people I did not know. The young woman next to me was a junior level attorney who was born, raised and educated in New York City. As we conversed, she asked me where I was from. When I replied that I have lived in New York for 14 years but that I am originally from Cape Cod, she looked stricken. She replied, "Cape Cod. Wow. Did you have to be home schooled?"

My poor husband probably wanted to hide under the table when he heard that one.

What?????? Talk about getting me fired up! Home schooled? I am sure there is absolutely nothing wrong with home schooling and, in fact, my one friend who was home schooled went on to an Ivy League university. However, I took this comment to mean that this woman's impression of Cape Cod was that of a place where there are either no schools or terrible ones so that my only option would have been home schooling. I couldn't help myself. I replied, "Actually, I went to Groton School. You may have heard of it. It is one of the finest prep schools in the country." There are plenty of good schools on Cape Cod and I went to a few of them, too! It amazed me that a woman who has an advanced degree and a highly competetive and sought-after job and who was raised in a very sophisticated place would be so naive and uninformed as to life outside her little orbit. I was offended and confused by her question, and I wondered when that painful evening would ever end.

These two incidents have stuck with me over the past few weeks. The lesson I took from each was that we need to be very mindful of our audience when we speak. Within five minutes of meeting me, these two people made incorrect assumptions about me or my background that put me on the defensive. I will try to remember that the next time I look at someone and think I know who they may be without even asking them. Perhaps the answer lies in listening more than talking.

The Non-Profit Crisis Isn't Just About Leadership

With baby boomers approaching retirement, I have come across many articles offering advice on what to do to prepare for the next generation leaders. The advice focuses on ways to make the field more appealing to young people: offer more mentorships, allow for the usage of social media, create more opportunities for advancement, and encourage a laid back environment. However, all of this ignores that nonprofits face an even greater crisis aside from the impending shift in leadership: its public perception.

Even though I am entering the world of fundraising I find it odd that the existence of a sector that provides vital necessities to the public is predicated on whether or not people deem their cause worthy that year. The money issue is remarkably complex yet the lack of funding to support the people who bring services to the public (i.e. non profit employees) is appalling especially when we realize that the conditions many employees endure, even funders would not tolerate for themselves.

Additionally, a hierarchy of needs is constantly being made by the public in a way that inadvertently puts people and issues against each other: how can we worry about the environment when there are children to feed? How can we worry about children in Harlem when there are children in Africa that need an education? Why spend money on HIV/AIDs when child birth is a major killer? As a result nonprofits have to constantly prove their worth to a society that doesn’t realize where they would be without nonprofits in the first place. Even though I believe that is plenty of money to go around and fund every cause, increasing pressure for nonprofits to have a quantifiable bottom line results in a competition for sources.

To make matters worse, the work done by nonprofits is simply not taken seriously. For example, throughout my time last year as program coordinator where I provided leadership training to teens, I can’t tell you how many times people said, "Awww that’s nice." As I have vented here, not only am I professional trying to master my work but also the work I do is vital to this country's well being. Is not education the great equalizer? Do we not believe that education in addition to caring and concerned adults can change the life of a troubled teen? Then why, when I explain what I do, do I get "Awww, that's nice." You would never say that to a doctor, a lawyer, a journalist, or any other profession because they command respect. Why is education any different?

The belief the nonprofits are easy or not as important as for profits is seen in people's approach to the field in general. Why do people believe that starting a nonprofit is easier than starting a for-profit? Why do people switch to nonprofit careers because they want something that isn’t stressful? Even last year when I asked my peers what they wanted to do, too many said they would teach or work at a nonprofit until "they found something real to do." And finally, why aren’t the trends of the nonprofit field--with over $600 billion in assets and over 7.1% of the population employed-- featured prominently in the pages of our newspapers? I’ll learn all about real estate, cars, and art in the New York Times, but you won’t tell me trends in volunteering and donating? We are taken for granted and this is evident in how many of us are funded, treated, and discussed.

The ultimate goal of non profits should be to attract as many people as possible to social justice work. However, this cannot be done if we aren’t respected or funded adequately. Many nonprofits were created by young people with a passion for change, helping those in need and enhancing the cultural, spiritual, and political life of this country. In order to continue with this we need to reevaluate how we do business.

1. We must generate our own revenue: Museums do this via membership and entry fees, for example. However, we may need to go a step farther. Social entrepreneurship--described by someone as the ability to harness the markets to achieve a social mission--is growing as a viable way to help the community, while generating a profit.

2. We must get our voices into mainstream media: We can’t allow the work we do to be put on the back burner. Organizations like the Red Cross may have national attention because their involvement in crisis assistance, yet many organizations never receive attention (unless it's a scandal). Supplements in newspapers about local organizations or TV segments that show the work these organizations do will not only give them more attention (and probably more clients), but it will also get people thinking about the nonprofit world perhaps sparking discussions and making it clear what role this organizations play in people's lives.

3. We must create a stronger culture of philanthropy: While I am unsettled by a reliance on others to give, I still recognize the importance of having a nation in which giving back to your community is fostered. However, philanthropy must extend beyond the giving and receiving of funds--when this happens, a serious disconnection forms. For example, often times, fundraising exists in a bubble with the people leading fundraising initiatives having no connection to the neighborhood in which the organization is located and sometimes, the organization itself. The push should be in terms of community investment in the well being of an organization rather than money controlling the mission.

We need a makeover, not only to attract young workers but to increase public investment in our work. Perhaps this is another issue for the new generation of leaders to take on.

Choosing Gender Roles

"KRUJE, Albania — Pashe Keqi recalled the day nearly 60 years ago when she decided to become a man. She chopped off her long black curls, traded in her dress for her father’s baggy trousers, armed herself with a hunting rifle and vowed to forsake marriage, children and sex.

For centuries, in the closed-off and conservative society of rural northern Albania, swapping genders was considered a practical solution for a family with a shortage of men. Her father was killed in a blood feud, and there was no male heir. By custom, Ms. Keqi, now 78, took a vow of lifetime virginity. She lived as a man, the new patriarch, with all the swagger and trappings of male authority — including the obligation to avenge her father’s death."

So begins an article in today's New York Times, which discusses how, in the current age of advancing women's right, the "sworn virgins" of Albania are disappearing. According to Dan Bilefsky, because regular women are allotted more privileges and independence now than they were even twenty years ago, they no longer see becoming a man as a necessary option for autonomy.

What is really interesting about this cultural gender switching is that it is based on economics and hierarchy, rather than personal gender choice. In Transparent, Cris Beam explores the ways in which transsexuals are physically one sex, but internally identify with the opposite gender. Beam also mentions some cultures, including Thai and Native American cultures, that allow for a "third gender" of transsexuals. But what separates these instances from the Albanian "sworn virgins" is that in Albania, a woman who has become a man is completely severed from sexual activity. These women have chosen to become men, not because of internal feelings or sexual attraction to women, but because it gave them standing within their villages.

As I read about the Albanian "uncles," I thought about gender politics here in the West--particularly in the workplace. Women in the office are seen as weak and incompetent, but if they change their tactics to act like men, they are deemed too tough and unfeminine. As Lisa Belkin notes, "women can't win." While in the Albanian village, it is accepted for a woman to assume the role of a man, in the Western office, women are not allowed to do the same. Think of how many people tarred Hillary Clinton with the word "mannish."

Imagine for a moment that a woman in America could be allowed to dress and present herself as a man, and gain respect from both men and women around her. (It's not a solution to the issue certainly; the real solution is for women to be valued for what they offer instead of being labeled by their gender.) But this situation wouldn't happen. If a woman dressed as a man in the American office, she would be labeled a freak. Even women who work hard to act like men (i.e. aggressively) are not safe once they reach the executive level; think of the spectacular fall of Zoe Cruz at Morgan Stanley. Were Zoe Cruz a man, she would have been considered a great success, or perhaps the template of an Alpha Male. But because she was a woman, she was called names like Czarina, Wicked Witch, and Cruz Missile behind her back. Furthermore, even though she had a proven track record in financial leadership, she was constantly being undermined by the men in her company:

Jay Dweck, a former Goldman Sachs executive who had switched over to Morgan Stanley was surprised to see the level to which Morgan Stanley employees went to undermine their female boss. When Ms. Cruz voiced her opinion that the company should pull out of its investments shorting subprime mortgages and going long on higher quality triple-A mortgages that were previously considered to be stable, the company did not immediately back her decision, but instead devoted precious time to questioning her judgment. Mr. Dweck was overheard by several people saying, “At Goldman, this isn’t happening. When they say get out, they get out. At Morgan Stanley, when Zoe says get out, people start negotiating.”

One of the criticisms leveled against Cruz is that she was "hard as nails" and "unsympathetic" to subordinates. What makes her any different from any number of high level Wall Street male executives? Would Cruz have risen to the role of Morgan Stanley's second-in-command if she had been more feminine? Organized office parties? Worn more pink? Of course not.

Back to the Albanian sworn virgins. Obviously choosing the male path is not a decision to be taken lightly. For one thing, these women no longer belong to the female social sphere, and for another, they are forswearing any sexual identity or expression. They cannot marry, have sex, bear children, and so forth. It is a huge choice to make. But what they gain is respect and power. Is it worth it? In the face of women's advancement, there are no new sworn virgins. If Albania is making this leap forward in valuing its women, perhaps American corporate culture could as well?

Get to It and Do It

"Get to it and do it." It's a statement I heard plenty of growing up. Chores to be finished? "Get to it and do it." Math homework? "Get to it and do it." Whatever the task to be done, if I was procrastinating or avoiding the activity, “Get to it and do it” would be my mother's response.

The mantra never seemed to become second-nature, but with a long laundry list of to-dos covering everything from household chores to writing projects that I've been meaning to start or complete, I realized this was simple advice I should be living by. With plenty to do, I should be getting plenty done. Instead, I putz around doing odd jobs or filling my time with less-than-productive activities like watching movies and taking naps. This procrastination only makes the list longer, as new projects pop up and deadlines loom. Stress abounds and I start to feel overwhelmed. Then I hear my mother's voice in my head: "Just get to it and DO it, already."

In an attempt to stop procrastinating and start doing, I've come up with some strategies for dealing with the biggest roadblocks to completing my to-do list.

Divide big tasks into smaller ones. Just the thought of tackling a large, time-consuming or elaborate task can be overwhelming. Instead of feeling pressured to complete a big task in one sitting, break it down into smaller, more manageable tasks. That novel you’re working on? Think of it as a collection of chapters instead. Dreading painting the dining room? Paint one wall at a time. As you divide and conquer, those overwhelming tasks start to look like no big deal.

Set deadlines. That presentation you have to give at work next week comes with a non-negotiable deadline set by your boss. Get it done, or pay the consequences. But for those task s that aren’t handed to you with deadlines, like that novel you’re writing just for fun, or the room you’ve been meaning to paint, setting a deadline and sticking to it will ensure it gets finished.

Hold yourself accountable. Deadlines mean nothing if you don’t stick to them. Write them in your calendar, post them on your bulletin board, or ask a friend to check up on your progress each week. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you’re getting those projects done on time.

Prioritize. Not every task can be number one on the list of things you need to get done. Organize your to-do list based on deadlines and focus on tackling the things with the earliest deadlines first.

Don’t forget the little things. You’ve broken your tasks into more manageable pieces and the tendency may be to let those lower priority tasks slip through the cracks. But keep in mind that these smaller tasks add up to that bigger one you were dreading. If you don’t complete it piece by piece over time, you’ll be faced with an overwhelming project later. So schedule that interview or work on that draft now and you’ll be well on your way to a finished article by the time the deadline for your final draft rolls around.

With a plan for getting things done, I might finally start making some check marks. How do you “get to it and do it” when you find yourself overwhelmed or procrastinating?

--Visit Ami's site or blog.

How to Get the Most Out of Your Young Professionals

In an age where wunderkinds are making millions in back room internet start-ups and an entrepreneurial attitude is heralded as the “it” factor, many young professionals feel the pressure to perform to the expectations of their peers, their families and themselves. It is not enough to strap on a suit and be content to grind out an entry level position. Today’s new workforce is obsessed with early success and wants to have fun while doing it. For these twentysomethings, a “Quarter Life Crisis” is neither welcomed nor expected, but it is this paradigm shift where learning to balance the vicissitudes of Work and Life become harder than a young professional’s will to thrive in your company. What these young professionals need more than ever is effective management and mentoring for their lofty career goals, because otherwise your workforce will be lackluster, withdrawn and unmotivated to support a company’s growth, especially if they can’t see their own.

The new work force needs a set of achievable goals for success, and more often than not they are looking to their managers as teachers. As both a manager and mentor, getting the most out of your Millennial workers requires attention to the following 3 “R’s”:

1. Respect: The quickest way to get lackluster results from your young professional is to treat them like a child; and nothing irks the young professional more than being talked down to. They may not know how to develop your company strategy, but they are eager to learn. They will fully admit that they don’t know everything, and most of the lot actually look for and want your push in the right direction. So talk with clarity and openness, and encourage them to give their perspective from where it is today and then again after they complete a goal. You might just be surprised in their fresh, forward insights.

2. Responsibility: Young professionals are eager for success, and in order to gain success they need to have responsibility. Don’t be afraid to give them open-ended tasks where they have some freedom to develop their process. Co-generating a hierarchy of goals will also encourage your twentysomething to steer towards a path that you both are comfortable with while giving them the confidence to make themselves and you (as their senior manager) proud.

3. Reward: Incentives are an easy way to motivate new workforce and they don’t have to be about money or as irreverent as the proverbial “gold star”. Instead, think of incentives that will help build trust and confidence between you and your Millennial staff. When a goal is achieved with excellent results, take that member to lunch and have a one on one, ask them their perspective on a new initiative and suggest they write up some thoughts. Have incentives based around their ideas, inclusions and the opportunity for advancement – even if that “advancement” is just to be recognized as a leader among their peers.
Young Professionals and Millennials are some of the hardest working but misunderstood generation in the workplace today. They can be fickle and delicate, but with the right touch and pushing can be your best asset towards keeping a company fresh, alive and innovative.

Too happy? Your wallet could suffer.

Having a family and being young and broke to boot, I am constantly on the lookout for ways to either save money or to increase my bank account. I am dabbling in investments, have a savings account and a 401K through my employer. I never thought however that my personal happiness might have anything to do with the size of my purse. Wrong! at least according to the latest issue of Money magazine.

In an article titled "Want to be Rich? Don't get too happy" columnist and money coach Jean Chatzky spells out why too much happiness can actually be a bad thing in the financial department. She is not the first too broach the topic.

She points to a study done by Ed Diener of the University of Illinois which shows that there can be too much of a good thing even happiness. Apparently being blissful can lead to overspending and less attention to wealth building [read complacency]. Those who rated an 8 or a 9 on the happiness scale versus a 10 were more likely to strive to increase their wealth and to hold on to what they had, probably because they had worked for it to begin with. These slightly less happy folk were also more likely to go to college and to vote.

So does that mean the eternal optomists are doomed to a cheerful but broke life? Not neccessarily. Chatzky gives a couple of tips on how those glass half full types can ensure that they too will approach retirement with a fully developed nest egg.

1. Surround yourself with the right people. It is all about balance. According to the article if you are having financial woes you may need new friends. If you tend toward pessimism then find a few optimists, swing the other way, add a pessimist to the mix. Either way you will balance out your personality and possibly help out your financial situation in the process.

2. Challenge yourself. Super bliss can make even the most intelligent person become complacent. Even of your approach to life is working, you should always be prepared for the worst, simply because nobody can predict the future, no matter how hard we try. You also may become so caught up in "your way of doing things" that you fail to notice when it is no longer beneficial. Ever hear the expression "having blinders on?"

Okay, so maybe I really don't have anything to worry about seeing as I don't really count myself among the blissfully unaware. (At least not since puberty.) But I will take the article to heart lest I become complacent in my miser-like ways.

Do you find that too much happiness impacts your ability to build wealth? I know that many Brazen bloggers are looking to increase both their wealth and their happiness, so I open up the discussion. Is it possible to have both?

The Mommy Balance: Gen@Work

Gen@Work is a monthly column looking at career through the prism of generation. If you have a question for our Gen@Work panel, please send it in care of the editor at cwilbert@realgirlsmedia.com. Never miss a Gen@Work column again. Just click on the author’s name at the top of the story, then select “Be notified when writer publishes” at the top of the page. We’ll send you an email as soon as a new column is published.

Dear Gen@Work,

I am considering going part-time after the birth of my first child in a few months. My husband makes more money than I do and with a little belt-tightening, we will be able to make ends meet. My concern is that it will be tough for me to recover my earning potential long-term. I don’t want to derail my career. What do you think?—Future Mom in Illinois

Generation X Perspective: Magan Crane

Dear Mom-to-Be,

First, congratulations on impending motherhood. Getting ready for such a dramatic change is so exciting, but there are lots of difficult decisions and they all seem terribly momentous. And of course, none seem as momentous as working. Full-time, part-time, stay home? Sometimes the luxury of choice seems like a burden, right? And any choice seems to thrust you right into the middle of the dreaded Mommy Wars. Ugh. But fret not. The right solution for your family (not your sister’s family, your neighbor’s family, or your boss’s family) is out there and you will find it.

To your question, I think the idea of working part-time is a great option; you are lucky to have it. There is not that much meaningful part-time work out there and if can find a position that allows you to keep your skills fresh and maximize your Mom time, that’s great. You are right that your long-term earning potential will be hurt. But it might be worth the hit to spend more time at home during the precious first few months or years of your baby’s life. You can minimize the impact by proving yourself committed to your career by giving work your full attention while you are on the job. Let your boss know—both in words and actions—that while you are at work, your mind is at work. Dress for success. Try to keep personal responsibilities, like doctor appointments and errands, to your days off. Also, if you intend to return to a full-time schedule in at some point, let them know. That is probably the best way to avoid ending up on their “Mommy track” forever.

Boomer Perspective: Marilynn Mobley

Dear Future Mom,

Congratulations on your first baby! I hope you enjoy being a mother as much as I have for the past twenty-two-plus years.

You didn’t indicate what line of work you’re in, so I don’t know how realistic or practical it is to work part-time. Still, I would certainly encourage you to be creative. Ask whether it’s possible to work at home while your child is young. Many companies are open to this idea, especially for their best employees. Also, look into job sharing or perhaps even consider how you might continue your career as an entrepreneur, rather than working for someone else.

I worked for IBM for fifteen years, and then started my own company specifically because I wanted to spend more time with my children. Owning my own company enabled me to be an involved mother and still satisfy my financial and professional goals. Then when I did decide to rejoin corporate America nine years later, I was actually more valuable than if I had stayed at IBM all those years.

If you do decide to stay home full-time for a while, make it a point to keep your skills up-to-date so when you do want to reenter the workforce, you will be more marketable. Many managers would actually welcome the opportunity to hire a woman who has the maturity, patience, discipline, and multi-tasking skills often associated with stay-at-home moms. So don’t just assume staying home will reduce your long-term earning potential.

When I consider how much the workplace has changed since the birth of my first child, I’m optimistic that you can benefit from continued progress.

Millennial Perspective: Traci Tsai

Hi Mom-to-Be,

This one’s a tough one for me—as I haven’t been in this situation yet or had many people seek my advice on this topic. However, I have had a number of co-workers go through this process, so I’ll do my best to share some of my limited insight and some of the thoughts I’ve had when thinking about it in the context of my own future.

Investigate with your boss as well as your company if there are flexible, work-from-home options for you after your maternity leave is over. This has worked out well for a number of people I know. They are able to work more hours and therefore keep their income at (close to) a full-time level and their career on track. With help at home during working hours, they also are able to be with their children during the early years.

I know that personally, I want to be able to maintain a strong work/life balance when the time comes for me to start a family. I am not close enough to the situation now to provide any personal experience-based advice, but one option that I have seen a number of people explore is to go the consulting route. This is something that I will definitely explore when I find myself at this juncture. With this option, I feel it’s possible to continue building a base of contacts and work experience, but in a flexible manner that allows time for family. I will (hopefully) preserve my earning potential and keep my career on track so that whenever I am ready to return to full time work, I will be in a good position to do so.

DivineCaroline.com is a website where career-savvy women like you can read and contribute stories, reviews, and forums. Please visit our vibrant community soon.

Working at Home Just Doesn't Work

Recently a co-worker of mine batted around the idea of working from home one day a week. The idea was great in theory. Our work is done primarily on a computer or on the phone (gotta love the communications industry) and so we are lucky enough to be capable to complete many of our tasks without actually coming in to the office.

The most obvious benefit that jumps to mind of course is saving money. Even one day of not driving means less gas to buy, which is a big one since most of us here around the office drive big gas guzzlers even though we of all people should respect our natural resources...but I digress.

Less driving also means less cars on the road, less pollution, less dependency on oil, etc which is obviously good from an environmental standpoint.

Another selling point is the obvious convenience of rolling out of bed and working without the need for removing your pj's or brushing your hair. I get very little sleep as it is since I can't seem to convince either the baby or the toddler that their beds are much better than mine. Trying to look impressive for the office is often given a much lower priority than five extra minutes of semi-sleep.

Lastly, well who wouldn't prefer to work on their own schedule without worrying that the boss is going to poke her head into your office at 3:30 to discover you took a late lunch...right when she needs you of course. At home as long as you have the Internet and a phone you are always accessible and can eat your PB & J whenever you feel like it.

Now the downside.

If you are single and or married with no children, or maybe married with children and a splendid nanny then you could probably stop reading as this will more than likely not apply to you. You want to work at home, more power to you. Save the planet, one gallon of gas at a time.

I on the other hand have three children. Two of them are not yet in school....thankfully only 60 more days till there will only be one crazy toddler roaming around the house! hooray for pre-k! It is also summertime now and the one child who I gratefully send off on the bus every morning during the school year is now moping around the house complaining of boredom and that his annoying little brother is trashing his video games again. (go outside already! I'm working! or as my father always told me.."I'm not your entertainment committee!")

While that in itself may be reason enough for many working moms (or dads) to want to be out of the house, I actually do have more.

Working at home is nearly impossible for me. There are simply too many distractions. I am just one of those people that just can't leave things undone. If I am at home then there is laundry to do, dishes to wash and little hineys to wipe unfortunately. (Lord I hope it is true that girls train easier than boys do..) I can never sit down long enough without noticing something else that must be taken care of. I tried having the whole home office environment thing, but somehow life still creeps in, even if you lock the door. How does a three year old learn how to unlock a door with a hot wheel anyways?

My kids also assume that me being home means it is either a weekend or a holiday.See how well I have them trained by my work schedule? Wish I could get them trained to pick up their rooms when they know I am on my way home (kind of like the cat in the hat story), now that would be impressive. Where can I get one of those picker-upper machines anyways?

So just being in the house virtually guarantees that no work of any substance will be accomplished unless I have a sitter, which kind of nullifies the whole saving money idea in the first place.

If I choose to work at home I also tend to work way more than the eight hours required. I know this kind of contradicts what I have been saying so let me explain. If I am running around fixing sandwiches, folding laundry and wiping noses and hineys then the few moments I have when they are napping, eating, or otherwise occupied means I dive in to work. Maybe it is only ten minutes here or an hour there, but when you get an email from your supervisor telling you to go to bed because you just sent your latest marketing plan to them at 1am (they finally went to sleep!) then you realize that you have really gone above and beyond, despite all the crazy distractions. While working at home I keep a log of my hours and it really does add up.

So maybe rather than try to save fuel or the environment by working at home, I will just get a bike. It's only 33 miles right?

Dreaming Through Obstacles

I think a lot about the future. About how I want to make my mark on this world, do something of significance, and find that perfect intersection of talent, passion, and opportunity. And I’m not just dreaming—I’m working constantly to do everything I can to make those aspirations my reality.

I’ve experienced a few successes that seem to indicate I’m on the right path, but lately it seems like there are more roadblocks than gateways—and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s discouraging. I wonder if I am taking the right risks, if I’m running out of time (yes, the baby clock is ticking), or if I’m just kidding myself into believing that my dreams are actually possible to achieve.

As I encounter a season of unforeseen obstacles, I think about the hyped-up motivational phrases I often see emblazoned on coffee mugs and office posters and inspirational calendars that say, “Forge your own path. Don’t take no for an answer.” Sometimes that’s what I need to hear, but when all signs in the universe seem to indicate otherwise, it’s hard for me to keep moving forward.

I can’t imagine how emotional it must have been for Hillary Clinton to stand on the stage giving her concession speech when you know she believes she’s still the best person for the job. A year ago it seemed she was an unstoppable force, a lock for the Democratic nomination. Even when Barack Obama started gaining momentum and tightening the gap, she and her campaign kept up the positive attitude and sincere belief that she was going to clinch the presidency. And a few weeks ago when her campaign was millions of dollars in debt and it seemed painfully obvious her dreams of becoming commander-in-chief (at least in ’08) were nothing more than dreams, Hillary still soldiered on with a smile on her face.

Whether you are a supporter or not, I think there is something to be admired in the way Hillary ran this race. Even though she ultimately didn’t win the grand prize, she saw it through until forces beyond her control grounded her. She didn’t stop until she didn’t have a choice. In my own life, I consider throwing in the towel just when I encounter minor speed bumps or detours—things I can probably surmount. I think about how it would be so much easier and comfortable to take a stable 9-5 job with health benefits, than to continue working freelance and start an independent production company. I wonder if I have the strength and confidence to see these dreams through to either their success or failure. And if the latter occurs will I have the energy or desire to dream again.

I hope I do—since I can’t imagine a life absent of dreaming. It’s just exhausting sometimes, this long road to an uncertain destination. But it helps to know I’m not alone in the striving, that others have attempted and failed and tried again and succeeded and reshaped their goals around unforeseen obstacles. And wherever this journey takes me, I am blessed to be surrounded by good friends and family who are there for me no matter what.

Jaye's new book Seventeen's Guide To Getting Into College is now available for pre-order on her website, and keep up on her latest dreams at First Generation Documentary--The Blog.

Risking It All On The Internet

There are plenty of responses to Emily Gould's Times Magazine write up of her life as a Gawker blogger. Some people have taken the opportunity to reflect on why they blog, or how much of their lives have been invested in their blogs. Gould's article has stirred up fears and neuroses.

For those who missed it, Gould began as a typical blogger with a small following on her personal site, and then became part of Gawker, a mega-blog, that took her to a new level of visibility. In the process, her writing about her personal life pushed her into the public eye in such a way that she alienated friends, colleagues, and herself.

Gould described blogging as a type of addiction--an addiction to attention. I can understand this; attention, even from perfect strangers on the Internet, is flattering. When I began blogging, it was just after I moved to the city, and I had very few local friends. I was looking for a community to join, someone to talk to. And I found one. Like Gould, I overshared, and I got into trouble, and for a while I stopped.

And then I came back for more, because I missed writing. I made a resolve not to share as much of my personal life. I made a resolve to talk more about news articles that interested me, issues I cared about, like gay rights, education, and environmentalism.

When I read Gould's story, I have to say, I didn't really feel sorry for her. I felt that she made a series of bad decisions, and that she should have seen more of the red flags along the way. I talk about my blogging with my husband, but I don't write things about him without him knowing about it. If he didn't like something, it wouldn't go up in the first place; I wouldn't argue about it, as Gould did with her boyfriend. And I follow what I consider the Cardinal Rule of Internet use: don't publish anything you wouldn't be proud to wear on a sandwich board sign in Times Square. I used to think of it as "don't write anything you wouldn't want you parents to see," but really it's not just your parents, it's colleagues, potential employers, friends, enemies, anyone. And it's very easy for your words to be taken out of context.

My takeaway from Gould's experience is the need for self-control. In writing for an unpredictable population, you can't know how your words will be perceived, and therefore, you must tailor your content accordingly. There is a line between public and private, and Internet writers should know exactly where that line is, and be aware when it is crossed. There is no such thing as anonymity on the Internet; at some point, you will be found out, so be certain that what you publish is something you can live with being attached to your name.

Clearing Out the Clutter: Three Strategies for Keeping Clutter at Bay

A couple of weeks ago I was struggling for energy. After a long, relaxing holiday weekend visiting my family, I drove home energized and refreshed. Then I stepped into my house, and the feelings of exhaustion returned.

It occurred to me that what was waiting for me—piles of papers on my coffee table, stacks of books in my office, boxes of miscellaneous items that I had yet to unpack after my move over a year ago—might just have something to do with my low energy. Being surrounded by clutter makes me feel uneasy and restless. So, harnessing the energy remaining from my trip, I decided to do something about it.

It turns out that sometimes clearing out your mind can be as simple as clearing out a closet. Over the next few days, I sorted through my clothes and got rid of the ones I no longer wear. I packed away my sweaters, making room for my spring and summer wardrobe. I reorganized and minimized, and things started to look up. So I kept going. I put away invoices and bills in my office, filed papers and cleared my desk. As I ordered and organized my mood lightened. No, my house wasn’t exactly spick-and-span. There was still dust coating my entertainment center, and a pile of things to give away, but it had a sense of order that hadn’t been there before. I felt a little lighter and the energy started to return.

With plenty of writing projects to be done, I know that my house will never be spotless. I’m learning, though, that physical clutter often translates into mental clutter. When things become disorganized in my physical world, my mind becomes unfocused and distracted. To try to ward off what I’m now calling “Clutter Head,” here are three things I’m trying to do to keep the clutter at bay:

1. Take a few minutes to _____ now so that I don’t have to do it later. This applies to all those “little things” that we often put off, like recycling that junk mail or hanging up those freshly washed clothes. A few seconds to put that shirt on a hanger today will save me from spending 15 minutes on Monday ironing it for work.

2. Think twice about buying that _____. Fill in the blank. Whatever it is, do I really need it? Where will I put it? Will it help me save time/money/energy in the future, or will it be just another “thing” added to my space? Will it bring me peace, or will it bring me more stress?

3. Make a place for everything. From my unread magazines and my reference books to my bills and paperwork, everything needs to have a place. Organization has never been my strong suit, but I’m finding that this one tip is extremely important. If it doesn’t have a place, that book, pair of shoes or hair clip will end up cluttering whatever surface it lands on. Finding or making a place for everything allows me to save time when I’m looking for it and know exactly where it needs to go when I’m done with it.

With these new strategies, I’m managing to keep the clutter from taking over my world for now, but I’m wondering what strategies you use. I know there are organizational geniuses out there who can give me plenty of other tips, so please comment away! I’m sure I’m not the only one who could use the advice. And if you’re like me and are organizationally challenged but have discovered ways to tame the clutter madness, please feel free to share your strategies, too.

Being Imperfect Can Help Your Career

There is a great article out in this month’s edition of Body and Soul magazine. The column by staffer Terri Trespicio details why it is important to cut yourself a little slack now and then.

Suffering from perfectionism myself, I was drawn to this article with a kind of fascination usually reserved for writing and re-writing and then writing again my blog posts.

The point of the article is that there are steps we can take to break out of the perfectionist mind-set in order to empower our decisions so we can move forward with our lives both personally and professionally. Thanks to Terri for the great article.

Hopefully these things will help you as much as they did me.

1. Remove your mental filter. – Perfectionists often only hear the negative news, letting the positive reviews go in one ear and out the other. Try readjusting your mental sieve and allow some of the good stuff to stick

2. Discover the joys of getting it wrong. – Start looking at your flaws as opportunities for personal and professional growth. Nobody likes to be wrong but being able to accept and learn from mistakes will make you a better person both in and out of the boardroom. Dan Baker, Ph.D and co-author of What Happy Women Know, says this, “Think of making a mistake as paying tuition, once you’ve paid, you might as well learn the lesson.”

3. Compare yourself to others, realistically. –Maybe you do enough of this, but you probably don’t see others with the same foggy filter you see yourself with. Try taking notice of your peers. Do they take shorter/longer lunch breaks, make the occasional typo, and lock themselves out of their cars? If they are not perfect then why should you be.

4. Put people before things. – Put the people in your life before your stuff. This may seem like a no-brainer, but how often (and be honest here) do you find yourself late getting home again because you just had “one” more thing to get done at the office? How many relationships fizzle because one person is already married…to their job? It happens all the time so take a good look around now. If you log more hours at your desk than say the average mouse pad, you need more face time with your friends and family. Even if you are a busy CEO, taking some quality time will pay off in more ways than one as it is well established that happy workers (with happy families) are much more Productive, efficient and effective.

5. Prioritize your perfectionism. – This too is hard to hear, since with all perfectionists, of course we want to be great at everything. The article states this however, “Instead of trying to master everything, pick some things you want to excel in.” As Penelope Trunk once stated in her book Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success, (and I am most definitely paraphrasing) specialization is a wonderful thing. Being a little good at everything (or half-assed at everything) will not win you any awards and will definitely not fatten your wallet. Pick a few tasks/topics/subjects etc. you really excel at and work on them. For me it is persuasive advocacy writing and graphic design particularly in regards to wildlife publications. I am by no means a scientist and can’t list the statistics of every endangered species but I can create a really pretty picture with words and photos that will make even the most hardened ant-environmentalist want to read more.

6. Let a dirty sock be just a dirty sock. – Ahhh... the joys of a clean house. I admit that I am severely embarrassed to have people over to my house without say a month of advanced notice. Ok so maybe I am not that bad, but hey with three kids and both my partner and I working full time there is not a whole ton of time left over for house cleaning. The article claims that seeing small-scale messes as a personal failure is actually a cognitive disorder (do they make a pill specifically for the racing heart and cold sweaty palms I feel whenever I open my 10-year-old’s closet door, right before the entire contents come crashing down on my head? Probably) Anyhow, I take great pride in my work and my family and am starting to let go of the dirty sock as global disaster mindset. All three of my kids are turning out pretty darned well and I am succeeding at work and in my personal life so I must be doing something right, even if it’s not the laundry. Rather than react emotionally, see things like socks, dishes and dust for what they are, everyday facts of life that need tending to, not evidence of your incompetence.

7. Focus on wellness not weight. – Another big one for me. After three kids I will never pass as a super model but being okay with myself is a constant challenge. In addition to personal (sometimes unrealistic) goals, there is also the added pressure of working is a somewhat public industry. Appearance does matter in public relations, however taking care of your self, having trimmed neat nails and clean suitable clothes are a heck of a lot more important than being the one on the office with the tiniest waist.

8. Age gracefully. – A few wrinkles does not make you a bag lady, it adds character really! According to Baker what makes us truly attractive is more about confidence, carriage and hard-won wisdom rather than firm skin or how much you resemble a fashion model. And just a tip from me, those women who do go all out to look 20 years younger often come off as unprofessional or unapproachable or worse “that old woman from accounting with the peel on face and skin tight leopard-print skirt who gives me the creeps.” Don’t be that person.

9. Counter the negative with a positive. – This goes back to number one on the list. Often perfectionists only hear the bad things and assume they are doing it all wrong. In order to stop this kind of thinking, try to automatically counter your negative thoughts with three happy ones. As corny as it seems, even having a list works wonders when you are at risk of sliding into the dumps. My list is wallet sized and changes periodically, but serves to remind me that I am a good mom, a good writer and a successful businesswoman.

10. Kick black and white thinking to the curb.– Last of all get rid of the all or nothing mindset. There are shades of gray in just about every situation on Earth. Remind your self those temporary moments of insanity (having an extra dessert, a bad hair day or being 15 minutes late) does not mean you are fat or lazy or an incredible slacker. Give yourself credit for all you do right and understand that in the end we are all just human.

What do you do to beat your perfectionist tendencies? Does any one have some creative ideas or feel more should be added to the list? Send me a comment!

To read the entire article check out the June edition of Body and Soul Magazine.

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Read this author's blog.

6 Steps to Gaining a Promotion

Traditional wisdom tells us that to get a promotion, you have to ask your boss. However, most people don’t get promotions by simply asking for them. In fact, asking may be the worst thing you can do. Here are six steps that will help you to get that increase in responsibility and hopefully an increase in your paycheck.

1. Do not directly ask for a promotion. Instead, you need to create an environment where you are the only logical person for the job.

2. Dress as if you have the promotion. If you already look like you can do the job, your boss is much more likely to give it to you.

3. Know all of the staff, especially those in charge. You should make yourself aware of everything going on in the office. Don’t be constrained by the organization chart, figure out who is REALLY in charge. Then be aware of any empty slots in the organization that you might fill.

4. Participate in meetings. Your boss has to get used to hearing the great ideas that you have. Your participation should be in the form of well-thought-out concepts. They should be ideas that help projects go forward, with the current players.

5. Volunteer for special projects. While I was working at a natural history museum, I noticed that the visitors were often complaining about the Planetarium shows. I noted that no one on the full-time staff even knew astronomy, much less how to run the Planetarium. I volunteered to learn astronomy and the Planetarium operation. In a few short months, I was put in charge of the Planetarium and its staff.

6. Sell yourself. Be sure that people know what you have done. This should not be in the form of bragging, but rather as casual mentions. For instance, imagine that someone is saying, “That was the greatest thing, when we changed our work schedule.” If you were responsible for this, you would say, “I was just driving to work when I got that idea; I’m glad it is working so well for you.”

-- Visit Ruth's blog.

Why are we debating a woman's right to run for president?

I’ve been disturbed by two male cartoonists depicting Sen. Hillary Clinton taking her campaign to Mars. On one, the tagline is “The woman never quits.”

Why is this funny? It’s only funny if you think her campaigning in primary elections is wrong. Why would it be wrong for a person winning millions of votes and winning big victories in key states to continue campaigning? Why would a fierce competitor with impressive credentials who is running a close second quit?

In 1980 Ted Kennedy challenged an incumbent president for his own party’s nomination, creating friction within the party. Ted refused to withdraw and went into the convention with 1,225 delegates to Carter's 1,981, with only 122 uncommitted. There was nowhere near the outcry and outrage in the media for Ted to get out of the way that there is now for Sen. Clinton, and the stakes aren’t any higher now for the D’s than they were in 1980, where we saw the tide turned to the Reagan revolution.

There’s no doubt that viewing Sen. Clinton’s daring to stay in the race and be taken seriously as laughable is sexism. It simply hasn’t – and wouldn’t – happen to a man of her stature. If we treat women differently than men in the same situation, that’s a double standard. That’s sexism. Acknowledging sexism doesn’t make you a feminist – it makes you fair.

Last I checked, the U.S. Constitution sets certain minimum qualifications for the presidency, but being a man isn’t one of them. So why is it, then, that much of the cultural and media debate during this campaign since early on in the primary has been over whether Sen. Clinton is entitled to run at all?
The Constitution is not a barrier – it’s people’s attitudes, both of women and men.

A male commenter to my blog quoted a woman who thinks Sen. Clinton should get out as some kind of proof that it’s not a sexism thing. It’s true women are joining the call – I’ve seen women columnists refer to Sen. Clinton’s staying in the race with the same disdain as the male cartoonists, calling her “embarrassing,” “shameful,” "shameless," “full of hubris,” and my favorite from the ever reliable mean girl Maureen Dowd, “unseemly.”

The question is not whether it’s sexism because it is. Some of my commenters have written better descriptions than I have about why this is sexism. See Ann Drist's blog for some thoughtful writing on this topic, from someone who isn't personally a fan of Sen. Clinton. The question is what does it say about women and men that they want to view a competitive woman as somehow unseemly and embarrassing.

The supposedly progressive columnist Bob Scheer has written several pieces in the San Francisco Chronicle arguing that because he believes women are by nature more peaceful than men and because Sen. Clinton may have some hawkish tendencies, that she somehow isn't advancing the cause of women and so women shouldn't vote for her. I can't make sense of his claim and don’t know what kind of mother issues Bob may have, but I’m no more peaceful than my male friends. The question for men like Bob is – what is it in their construct of their own identity that requires them to pigeonhole women into traits they see desirable?

As for women who call out other ambitious and competitive women as "shameless," I've written before about internalized sexism. I could quote volumes of scholarly work on this problem, and I also know it when I see it. (See good description in comment from Lexia below.) Maureen Dowd, with her pen as an opinion writer for the New York Times, holds one of the most powerful journalistic positions in our country. Yet she repeatedly writes pieces ridiculing powerful women as "manly". During Howard Dean's campaign, Dowd wrote a piece cutting apart Dean's wife, a busy and successful doctor, for not wearing makeup and styling her hair to help out her husband's campaign.

Dowd is an ambitious, powerful woman who writes pieces suggesting it's unseemly for women to desire power. I leave it for the psychologists to unravel that.

A year ago I didn't believe we were living in a country not ready to elect a woman president, as predicted by an African cabbie in Manhattan. Now I see he didn't go far enough. We're not even ready to allow a woman to run for president.

How to Look Like a Workaholic in a 40-Hour Workweek

In a perfect world, we would be judged solely on our results, regardless of what others thought about how or when we got our work done. The good news is that this type of “results only” mentality is catching on. Some companies and managers are beginning to realize that there are better ways to manage performance than by counting hours at the office. Organizations are responding to the changing needs of workers everywhere by offering arrangements such as flex-time and telecommuting.

The bad news is that, like it or not, corporate mentality is what it is. The 40-hour week is not just an expectation; it’s the minimum, especially for salaried professionals. Self-proclaimed workaholics advertise their twelve hour days like a badge of honor and wouldn’t be caught dead leaving the office before 6:30.

Just because it’s the norm doesn’t make it right. Ready to take a stand? You don’t have to defy your boss and coworkers in a dramatic five o’clock showdown. Here are some practical ideas that can help you on your way to regaining control over your time.

Workaholics don’t get ahead. There will always be work that needs to be done. There will always be more to be done than there is time to do it. That’s why the classic workaholic will never get ahead. As they work to accomplish more and more, their task list will continue to grow. At the same time, as they become tired, stressed, and overextended, the quality of their work will suffer.

Frankly, the workaholic’s energies would be better spent finding ways to get more out of a forty-hour week than by burning the midnight oil five (or six, or seven) nights a week

Get noticed in eight hours. Unfortunately, workaholics exist for a reason. They tend to be well-respected for their efforts and praised for their dedication to their jobs. But that doesn’t mean that you need to smash the 50-hour barrier every week in order to command the recognition and respect that you deserve. This is where productivity comes in. When most people talk about workaholics, the discussion usually revolves around how much time they spend working. It is rare to get a clear idea of just how much these people accomplish in a given day.

Anybody can spend a day keeping busy. It takes real commitment to remain actively productive during working hours. Just keep in mind that real productivity pays off, big time. You don’t want to be noticed because you log a lot of hours. You want to be noticed for what you accomplish. And if you really are putting forth the effort necessary to milk your 40-hour week for all it’s worth, your stellar results will not go unnoticed.

The early bird gets…a raw deal. Let’s say you work from eight until four while your boss works from ten until six. Which one of you is going to get noticed? Your ten to six boss can work the same amount of hours but still look like she’s putting in extra hours at the end of the day. And if your boss works and extra hour or two, she’s walking out of the building while the sun sets—another corporate rock star.

In general, workers tell me that staying late gets noticed and arriving early tends not to be. If you are the type that likes getting to the office first thing in the morning and heading out an hour or two before the crowd, it might take some attention to detail to make sure that you don’t end up being penalized for having an early riser’s schedule. Just make sure that your coworkers realize that while they are still at home in a bathrobe, you are at your desk, getting a head start on your day.

Handle your correspondence first thing in the morning. Your e-mail time-stamp might be the only way someone realizes that you don’t just cut out in the late afternoon because you feel like it. When you leave early, you’ve earned it. Those that leave the office at six or seven at night will also be sure to notice that you have gotten back to them with an answer to their question before they’ve even managed to sit down at their desk the following day.

Get out the door on time. Make a commitment, even if it is only to yourself. Maybe you have to pick up the kids. Maybe you just have a standing early-evening date with the gym. Whatever it is, a regularly scheduled post-work obligation can do wonders for getting you out of the office at a reasonable hour. Block off the last half-hour of your schedule and don’t hesitate to inform your coworkers when it’s time for you to be on your way.

Have coworkers abide by your schedule. You shouldn’t expect others to come and go at the same time you do. Generally, their schedule is their prerogative. You do, however, have the right to make sure that their schedule doesn’t interfere with your ability to get work done. Make it clear that you expect to be out the door at a certain time each day, and stick to it. If you need a report in your hands by the end of the day, make sure that everyone knows that you mean the end of your day, not theirs.

Go the extra mile. Remember, all of this doesn’t mean that we should be petty about watching the clock and focus only on making sure we’re in the parking lot by 5:03. We’ve pretty well established that we don’t want to make it a habit, but sometimes it is appropriate to put in a long day or week. It shouldn’t become your standard mode of operation, but being able to come through in a pinch is a major asset in the business world. Valuing your time is a good thing, but if the demands of the job call for being a little late for dinner every once in a while, it is okay to step up to the plate. Just make sure that it’s the exception, not the rule.

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Visit Laura's site, The Productivity Pro.

Lessons from the Edge (of a Large NYC Law Firm)

Not only did I learn things at Vogue, but I picked up a few things as a young litigator at a big NYC law firm as well. It was not nearly as "sexy" of an environment as in the movies (there was no Tom Cruise at my Firm, no Jimmy Smits or Harry Hamlin either) but there was still a lot of drama and a whole lot of work to be done. In addition to the more obvious things one learns while working as a big firm attorney, such as how to do ones actual legal job and to begin building experience and expertise, I learned some useful lessons which have come in handy in my other endeavors:

1. Avoid the stapler. I tell you from experience that some tightly wound lawyers get very upset when you staple a group of papers that were not "final" since a paperclip would have sufficed, thereby allowing you to replace just one sheet. I have made this mistake, and I can tell you that it was not well received. The dialogue on that one was priceless. They don't teach that in law school.

2. Nobody at work cares that you have plans for events outside the office, be they for vacations, holidays, dates, major family events or simply a doctor's appointment. If you accept this from the beginning, you will have a much smoother ride. Then, you are left with two choices to avoid major disappointments. One, make no personal plans, ever, and always expect to be at work, leading you to be pleasantly surprised once in a while when you have a free weekend or evening. Two, make plans fully cognizant of the fact that there is a fifty percent chance that you will not be keeping them. (This percentage changes depending on the economy, which department you are in, and the other large matters currently being worked on in the firm.) Don't forget to beg forgiveness and understanding of everyone in your personal life that also has to put up with these scenarios. Okay, unrealistic you say. Then you will just have to be disappointed and cancel your plans from time to time.

3. Always over-prepare. I have heard so many people say this in many different contexts but, as an attorney, it could not be more true. You could be the smartest person in a room, but if you are not fully versed in every aspect of a potential situation and you are not prepared in front of a judge, a client or a potential client, you will lose (the client, the case, or even your job).

4. Avoid the holiday party. I have no personal horror story to impart (thankfully!) because I followed the lead of my more senior friends and went for a single drink at best before feigning an absurd workload and running home to enjoy a nice glass of wine without the fear of reprisals and gossip mill mania aimed at me for the next two weeks. Judging from the indecorous things I often heard the day after in the stacks of the library, that was the right call. Lots of alcohol and a giddy holiday feeling often make for regrettable dance floor moves and mistletoe maneuvers.

5. If you simply must have an office romance, then be open about it. Those who think they are being sneaky while having a secret office affair too often turn out to be wrong. These not-so-secret liaisons are revealed in innumerable ways, not the least of which is that, for some reason, law firm doors (at least in NYC) tend to be made of semi-transparent frosted glass rather than solid, opaque wood or steel. Passersby often get more than they bargained for. Mail deliveries, which often involve the sudden throwing open of office doors to drop off an envelope or two, are also most revealing. It seems to work out much better if you just admit to dating someone and keep it clean at the office.

6. Don't be afraid to get dirty. And I do not mean in the romance department. A law degree does not mean that you are now on a lofty, erudite plane and exempt from the more mundane tasks. I have seen the occasional junior associate digging through a trash can in a critical, life-or-death, career breaking kind of search for a missing document while a senior attorney stands over him/her shouting, grabbing what is left of his/her hair and demanding (repeatedly) to know if the piece of paper has been located yet. You might also be asked to drag a partner's luggage through an airport and around a hot city in mid-August like a Sherpa in your high heels and crisp white blouse. (By luggage, I mean these ridiculously heavy, big, boxy bags known as litigation bags or boxes of documents or laptops and printers, etc. all of which are heavy and unwieldy.) And, last but not least, out of desperation you might be called upon to use your hosiery to wipe off an over sized trial exhibit which fell out of the cab and into a dirty puddle due to your own carelessness. (Don't ask.)

7. It is okay to throw up. At least, it is okay to throw up as a result of nerves before a major hearing or public speaking engagement. Once I found out that a senior partner whom I very much admire does this from time to time and still somehow looks cool and collected when he "is on." I decided that a case of pre-theater jitters, no matter what form it takes, is par for the course and does not make you weak, just nervous.

8. Be kind to the cleaning staff. They are the only people who will be kind back to you when you really need it. Once the majority of staffers and lawyers have gone for the day, the housekeeping staff begins to make their way around the semi-darkened office emptying rubbish bins full of papers and vacuuming up the remains of the day. In the beginning, the woman who cleaned the 16th floor looked repentant for opening the door to clean my office when I was still there or for making too much noise in the hallway, not realizing I was at work. I noticed that some people barely noticed that the cleaning staff were present and did not acknowledge them. I always did, though, and I must say it was nice to see a friendly face late at night who would smile back at me and say hello. I loved her the most when I arrived at work one morning and found my favorite earring (which I had lost the day before) taped to my desk blotter with a note saying that she found it under my radiator while vacuuming.

9. Curb your appetite. You don't need to eat anyway, especially if you have been in a meeting since 9 am and it is 5:45 pm and the partner you are working with still has not broken for a snack or called for food to be delivered. You simply can't ask for food or it would show weakness. You also can't leave the room because at any moment you might be called upon to produce a vital document or take notes on a critical point. I recall more than once fantasizing about sneaking into the bathroom to wolf down a granola bar to get rid of the dizzy, empty feeling that had taken over my deprived, starved body but alas, I would have to wait.

10. Never use the "reply all" feature on your email. It quite simply leads to too many embarrassing disasters. I can't tell you how many times an email recipient hit "reply all" on an email to the entire firm when he/she meant to send the email just to one friend and made an inappropriate joke -- to the entire list of partners and lawyers. There is no way to recover from this gracefully, and it makes just about everyone cringe and want to hide under their desks. There is nothing you can do to make it go away except to NEVER do it.

These lessons are those that, as I say, are somehow left off the law school curriculum but which make for valuable lessons in practice.