As women, how can we deal with male co-workers who are socially inept and make inappropriate comments, but aren’t harassing us, per se?
One great tactic is humor.
Franci J. Blassberg is a partner at Debevoise and Plimpton LLP and was named by the National Law Journal as one of the 100 most influential lawyers in America. When I interviewed her for my book, Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word, Franci said to me: “Sometimes you can change the tone in the room in a minute—defuse it—with humor and a tiny amount of self-deprecation.”
Well-placed self-deprecating humor is a hallmark of emotional intelligence—the ability to interact effectively with others.
Sometimes you get hit with an insult. That isn’t the time for self-deprecating humor. But don’t necessarily swing in the opposite direction and look like a woman with a chip on her shoulder. I see many women with this attitude. They don’t accomplish as much as they could. Others don't want to assist them with their concerns.
Instead, if you’ve taken a hard hit, learn to use aggressive yet disarming humor—humor combined with “a slap without a hand,” an idiomatic expression from Uruguay meaning “a dignified act of revenge.” Here’s a great example.
Franci told me about something one of her clients said to her early in her career, when she first began representing his firm:
"He said, 'I never would have thought that I would have a radical, Jewish feminist as my lawyer.' I thought that he, at the time, was just getting acculturated. I thought he meant it as, 'My goodness, you’re a really good lawyer and even for someone like me I can see beyond all that other stuff.' So it wasn’t intended as a put down, although one could have interpreted it that way. So I said, sort of jokingly: 'I resent that; I’m not a radical.' I think using humor aggressively and both offensively and defensively, if you would, is a key strategy for women to use. It’s not clear if that joke was offense or defense. But you can take a lot of tension out of a room with humor. And women need to learn to do that do that, rather than seem to be uptight and ill-at-ease."
Humor is one thing we all enjoy. And it can be a great tool for disarming would-be detractors. Plus, nothing feels better than laughing—unless it’s getting a clueless buffoon or a hostile opponent on your side because you’ve shared a guffaw together. Laughter really is powerful medicine.
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Next week, I'll talk about what to do if you are in the line of fire of deliberate harassment or working in a discriminatory, hostile work environment.
As always, I love hearing your comments. Please weigh in! Let's keep the conversation going. Also, please e-mail me at debra@AmbitionIsNotADirtyWord.com about topics that are on your mind. I'll do my best to address what matters to you and your women friends, colleagues, nieces, daughters, sisters (as well as the men in your life) who have your back.
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Debra Condren is a business psychologist, career adviser, and executive coach. She interviewed 500 women for her no-whining/no male-bashing book, Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word: A Woman's Guide To Earning Her Worth and Achieving Her Dreams (Broadway Books). E-mail your burning questions & great ideas to her at: Debra@AmbitionIsNotADirtyWord.com