It seems like everyone’s doing it: Christina and Nicole, Jessica, J. Lo, Gwen Stefani (on number 2), and, bless her heart, Jamie Lynn Spears. My refrigerator is peppered with shower invites and baby announcements, and I think it’s no coincidence that my two favorite movies of the year, Knocked Up and Juno, are all about having babies.
I’m totally not ready. I still get freaked out, oh like once a month, when I suspect that even for a moment I might be pregnant. And then I start thinking about all these things I still want to do sans children, and I imagine how things would work out if nine months from this moment I would in fact find myself responsible for another little being. And…we’re back to freaking out.
It’s not that I don’t like babies or want one or two or three of my own. I just need more time to get my proverbial ducks in their row.
Right now, my husband and I tell our parents, who are actually really cool about not pressuring us to have kids, that“We’re having a movie.” And while I know making a documentary film is not as physically painful as actually giving birth to a small child, it’s definitely giving us an emotional and mental workout and costing us just as much, if not more, at least in the immediate future.
And it’s weird because sometimes we lie awake at night asking ourselves the “what ifs,” and we start to sound like worried parents. What if we can’t find a cast? What if we run out of money? What if no one watches our movie? What if an errant satellite falls out of the sky and crashes on our studio, destroying the camera and the entire footage of the film? Seriously, what if?
The further along we get in production (we just finished up a round of casting last week and are very pleased to have more than enough compelling candidates), some of those worries become answered and then replaced by new ones. And in the midst of all the stress, the undercurrent that propels us forward is the passion we have for the project and the joy it gives us to use our talents to make a difference.
Making this documentary, more than anything else I’ve done in my life, has made me realize that more likely than not whatever I do, be it becoming a parent, buying a house, or shooting a film—I’ll never exactly have my ducks in a row. And that’s okay, because as this filmmaking experience is teaching me, I don’t need to have all the answers in order to move forward–which is not to say that I won’t give considerable thought to the various avenues I take.
I’m still not ready to join the celebrity bandwagon of motherhood just yet, but when I do I know I’ll look back fondly at the parenting lessons I learned while bringing up this movie.