Dear Kirsten:

Rest assured that you’re not alone. Many ambitious women simply don’t like asking anyone for help.

They don’t pick up the phone to ask, “Hey, could you give me some advice on this business dilemma I’m grappling with?” They don’t send an e-mail to people they know could brainstorm with them when they hit a tough professional pothole.

Ambitious women are also loath to spend money to get advice. They don’t hire a top lawyer to review a contract, or a certified public accountant to look under the hood of their business strategy to give them diagnostic information about how they could be more effective and profitable. They don’t invest in coaching or professional development, even if their company might reimburse it.

These same women will readily step up to counsel a colleague, employee, boss—or sometimes even a competitor—but forget it when it comes to seeking the same support for themselves. They think they should be able to figure out everything on their own. They fear that asking for help will make them look like they don’t know their stuff. Or that their big ideas will be ill received by others and they’ll end up looking foolish. Or that their request for help will be rejected and they’ll feel embarrassed and demoralized.

The truth is that, from time to time, everyone—men and women alike—needs feedback, a sounding board. If we don’t ask for it, we risk putting ourselves through unnecessary effort and angst every time we attempt to advance our ambitious goals. Our self-imposed isolation slows us down professionally, financially, intellectually, and creatively.

One of the best ways we can stop this pernicious self-sabotage is by forming—and readily using—our own informal advisory boards.


Be Willing To Pick Up The Phone Or Send An E-mail

Learning to deploy a team of expert advisors helps you kick it up a notch where your professional self-reliance, knowledge, and power are concerned. Look how learning this technique has empowered 28-year-old Lisa Taylor, Vice President for Investor Relations, Homestead Capital, to achieve goals for herself and for her company and its investors:

“We ran into a snag with this particular investor’s attorney and our company’s attorney. And our attorney said, ‘Look, I can’t get past this investor’s attorney; the investor’s law firm is not willing to fix this issue.’  So I went to my CEO, Deborah, and she said, ‘Well, I can’t call this investor—you’re the only one who knows him. So here’s where you have to use your relationship skills to make this happen.’  And I asked her, ‘Can I do that? Can I just call an investor and ask for help?’ And she said, ‘Absolutely.’  So I called and explained to him what was going on and he said, ‘Yeah, let me talk to my attorney.’ And it was super easy. He fixed it, just like that. And Deborah said, ‘See—I told you.’”

In Lisa Taylor’s case, an advisor recommendation came organically, through her boss’s recommendation, which led her to begin identifying other advisors to turn to for future consults. She explained how getting into the habit of feeling comfortable turning to her support network to ask for help has made her more effective:

“It’s definitely changed how I’ll approach a problem. It’s made it easier for me. Just yesterday we were working on this complex deal, and one of our investors is involved, and we had an issue come up that might affect this same investor. And so somebody said, ‘How are we going to know what to do?’ And I said, ‘Well, let me call Rick [one of the investors I have a good relationship with] and let me ask him what he thinks about it.’ And I don’t know if even a year ago I would have so readily thought:  Oh, here, let me use this person that I have a relationship with to find the answer.  And now I feel like I turn to that as a solution more often.”


Get More Power Fast: What Your Own Informal Advisory Board Should Look Like

“I call it my Dream Team.” –Andrea Henderson, 37. Columbia M.B.A. class of 2005.

You’re looking for five to seven wise professionals with business savvy who are also aggressive movers and shakers. These are the people who can make things happen for you and can show you how to be more assertive and creative.

The team you’re recruiting is in addition to, not a substitute for the list of paid experts—lawyers, certified public accountants, agent representatives, and others—to whom you’ll turn for legal and professional advice.

Each person's expertise should complement another's. Your goal is to create a group that can offer gold-standard advice in as many areas as possible.

You want people who will give you frank, hard-hitting advice, even when it may be hard to hear. This is why I recommend that you don’t include friends or family members on your steering committee. Love is blind. Though well-intentioned, these people are too close to you to be objective, and their desire to protect your feelings will override their ability to give you accurate, wise advice.

Your ultimate goal is to surround yourself with an uplifting, inspirational team. I don’t care how smart or creative someone is; if he or she is negative—energy-draining, complaining, always focusing on “but-what-if” scenarios—don’t invite that person to be on your advisory board.  And don’t be afraid to fire an advisor who turns out to be a saboteur.


Identify Your First-Round Draft Picks

I’d like you to take a moment, right now, to think through who you can turn to as a resource before you find your feet to the fire.

Here’s how to create your Dream Team of five to seven informal advisors:

1. Write down the areas of expertise you think you may need help with. Keep these in mind as you compile your list of prospective candidates.

2. Go through your contacts. Which people pop up as ideal candidates for your board?

3. Think of the person you’d be most afraid to ask. Write him her or down.

4. Who would you never consider asking because they’re too powerful or out of your league or, you’re guessing, too busy, but who would be perfect for your team? Write down their names.

5. Think about people you’ve lost touch with and are reluctant to contact now because it’s been so long. Write down these names. This will jog your memory of other potential advisors you’d forgotten about.

6. Who have you read about in the media who inspires you? Write down these names. No, you don’t have to know them. No, it doesn’t matter if they are high-profile—that’s better, in fact. Bigger risk, bigger reward.

Don’t be intimidated to approach the best and brightest—even if you’ve never met them. What’s the worst that can happen? They say no, you thank them, and ask for referrals to a couple of colleagues they know who might have the expertise and availability you’re looking for.

If you’re nervous about asking people to get on board, just remember:

-Seven out of ten people will say yes. Successful people enjoy giving back by mentoring up-and-coming ambitious go-getters.

-Advising you may be just as rewarding for them as it is for you—after all, your ambition is what these people love, or will come to love, about you. Your advisors, in turn, will eventually turn to you for advice and help, so you, too, will get to give back.

-If someone turns you down, so what? Don't take it personally. Move on down your list.


When To Contact Potential Advisors

It’s easiest to get people on board if you contact them with a specific question or clear goals and a strategy. I don’t care how often you’ve heard this advice elsewhere: Never call someone and say, “I would love to pick your brain and ask how you got where you are.”  You’ll sound unfocused, lazy, and vague, and the person will have no idea what kind of commitment you’re asking them to sign on for. That’s an automatic disqualification where most potential advisors are concerned—myself included.

Wait to contact people until you have a very specific question, or to schedule a phone or in-person meeting in the near future. Is it better for the initial contact to be face-to-face, by e-mail, by a snail mail note, or by phone? Think about what you know about the person and assess which channel of communication will be more likely to reach and appeal to him or her. Whichever mode you choose, follow up with a second channel of communication saying, “I’m following up on my earlier _____ (e-mail; voice mail, letter)…”


What to Say To Your Candidates

Once you have your advisory goals clarified, it’s time to dive in. Start phoning. Start e-mailing. Start talking to people face to face. Start by calling the person who scares you the most.

If your prospective candidate doesn’t know you, but you’ve been referred by a mutual contact, start by reminding her of that referral (who hopefully has already e-mailed or phoned to introduce you). Tell her very briefly who you are and what your job is. Keep it super short to show the other person you respect how busy she is.

If you have a specific question, ask it succinctly; be crystal clear about what you are asking for and how she can help you. If you get her voicemail, or if you’re e-mailing, leave an even shorter message, including exactly why you’re contacting her and how and when she can contact you.

You might open by saying:

- “I know you’re extremely busy. I also know that so-and-so (your mutual contact) has emphasized what an expert you are at what you do.”

- “I’ve read about you in _____”  (Mention the media venue where you got his name or saw him interviewed.)  

- “I’ve read everything you’ve written and I’m a huge fan.” (Say this only if it’s true.)  

Explain briefly whether you’re looking for immediate help for a specific problem, or periodic mentoring.  If the latter, describe one or two macro-level career goals. For example, “I’m the founder of a small, fast-growing company. My goal is to build and sell within three years.” Or, “My goal is to build my own book of business and become a partner in my firm within four years.”

Make sure you indicate the degree of commitment you’re seeking so your prospective board member can decide whether he or she has the time to work with you:

- I’m sure I could learn a lot from you. And I would love to occasionally contact you with brief questions. Would this kind of schedule work for you?”

Make it easy on people and they’re much more likely to get back to you.

When leaving voice messages, remember to leave your phone number twice, speaking slowly and clearly; leave your contact info every time you call. I can’t tell you how often highly accomplished women—and men—forget to leave their phone numbers in their message because they assume I have it handy. Or they speed through the number and I can’t understand them. Or they’re on a cell phone and their message cuts out. Or they don’t leave their area code.

If you’re e-mailing your advisors, always make sure you always use a signature that includes your contact info.

Use multiple channels of communication—if you leave a voice message, say that you’ll follow up with a brief e-mail, and vice versa. This makes it less likely that your message will get lost, leaving you to wonder whether you’ve been rejected or simply overlooked.

If you’re e-mailing or leaving a voice message, make sure you specify how best and when to reach you.  Otherwise your contact will be forced to play phone tag, and I promise you that they’ll give up quickly. 


How to Make It More Formalized—Conducting an Individual or Group Advisory Meeting, In Person or On the Phone

Some people prefer a more structured individual or group board meeting to periodic, ad hoc e-mails and phone calls. If this more structured set-up appeals to you, schedule your first meeting as soon as you’ve finalized your list of board members.

Draft a one-page career objectives plan. The more you’re able to identify in advance what you’re specifically looking for, the more precise the advice will be.  Include specific ideas, questions, problems, and short- and long-term goals. Ask for what you need. Two days before your meeting, e-mail your board members a copy of your plan and remind them of the date and time. 

When thinking about how to conduct your informal board meeting, be sure to set it up so that it is a pleasant experience for everyone involved.

If you want people to be able to attend a group meeting without leaving the comfort of their desks, arrange a one-hour conference call. If you don’t have conferencing capabilities on your phone, rent a bridge line for a nominal fee (e.g., see: www.greatteleseminars.com). A bridge line is a telephone number you use once, or only for the time you rent it; your advisors will simply phone in at the appointed time to the number you provide.

Some people prefer to take their board members out for an in-person working breakfast, lunch, or dinner, either individually or as a group. Splurge on a top restaurant with a private meeting room. In exchange for their undivided attention, they’ll get to enjoy the food (knowing you’ll pick up the tab!), the company, and the intellectual stimulation, as well as the knowledge that they’re mentoring a high-aiming protégée.

Ask permission to tape your meetings; explain that you want to be free to focus on the conversation rather than trying to scribble everything down. Some bridge line providers will record and even provide transcriptions for a fee. Or purchase in advance a simple, inexpensive telephone recording device (e.g., Radio Shack carries these) that can be hooked up to any non-portable phone and plugged into a tape recorder (check to see if your tape recorder requires an adapter). If you’ll be using your own equipment, practice beforehand so that you can seamlessly work your recording device (I’ve lost a few great interviews by not following my own advice!).   

Call your meeting to order—and end—on time. For group meetings, make brief introductions. Do a lot of listening, but don’t be shy about brainstorming and asking clarifying questions. While someone is talking, ideas will spring to mind. Don’t interrupt; jot them down on a notepad and jump in with the subject later.


No “Yeah, but…” Rebuttal

Years ago, I witnessed a young protégée in a mentoring group who countered every recommendation with, “Yeah, but, here’s why that won’t work in my case”.  I call this the “Yeah, but” Rebuttal and I’ve seen this dynamic in countless Women’s Business Alliance meetings and workshops with women. There’s no faster way to turn off interest in giving you advice than to outright reject the opinions of those who are taking the time and making the effort to help you.

Even if you disagree with what they’re saying, even if their advice may be hard to hear, listen to your advisors—that’s why you sought them out! Think about what they have to say. Force yourself to ask yourself hard questions about why you’re being so resistant to their perspective. Often, it’s the recommendations that are most dead-on that we initially recoil from. Pay attention to your defensive reactions and be willing to peel away some of your pessimistic or negative attitude and you might find a pearl of an idea that you might have thrown out without further consideration.


Follow Up

In the weeks that follow, return to your audiotape and notes frequently, especially during transitions or planning phases. This process may sound repetitive, but it isn’t.  Each pass through will yield additional information that you may not have absorbed already.  Different ideas will resonate more strongly at different times, depending on the goal or dilemma you’re currently facing.

Contact your advisors, as needed, for brief periodic e-mails or phone check-ins, during which time you can succinctly ask for clarification of fine points; you can also keep them up to date on your progress or ask for their counsel on new barriers to your career advancement.

Reconvene your board meeting quarterly. Think of it as your own mini-M.B.A. crash course that will keep you on an ongoing career education track. The information gathered during these meetings shortens the time between the inception and the implementation of your professional objectives and business ideas.

Don’t forget to send board members a handwritten thank-you note (e-mails don’t count), a nice bottle of wine, or a grander gift in recognition of your achieving a grander goal.


Be an Ambitious, Serious Contender
 
Form your board and maximize its advice. This is what the best companies do. Follow their lead. You’ll get powerful insights to help you build your credit platform and demonstrate that you are the real deal.